100 Things that Never Happened to Nancy Drew
by cleasmile
Summary: We all know what Nancy did from 100 plus books, but what about the things she didn't do? Bess and George discover something frightening about Nancy...


Author's Note: This story is not meant to bash Nancy Drew, as many fans of her do exist in this world. Many of the Nancy Drew mysteries do have very well-written plots, except that after reading Nancy Drew book after Nancy Drew book, Nancy's character gets a bit annoying. Think about it for a second. Even among her friends Nancy is the most attractive. George is a tomboy and Bess is a bit overweight. I just wanted to have a bit of fun and think about all the things you never read about Nancy doing!

Disclaimer: Don't own any of the characters. You'd probably know if I did.

It had finally happened. The illustrious Nancy Drew had finally died, kicked the bucket, bit the dust. The strangest thing about her death was that it did not happen in the midst of fighting criminals or solving an important mystery. Nancy just died in her sleep, a heart attack apparently, in her early twenties. The Sherlock Holmes of her generation had a weakness after all.

Nancy's town and family were just devastated by her unexpected death. The paper decided to put together a tribute to Nancy in the form of a long obituary with comments from all who knew her. Bess and George, Nancy's best friends and often times partners in crime, were asked if they would write something about their fondest memories of Nancy. Being the loyal friends they were, of course they agreed. However, once Bess and George got together to talk about Nancy, off came their rose-colored glasses.

"You know George, we are coming up with so many good memories of Nancy but not any bad ones. Was there anything Nancy couldn't do? I mean, present her with any kind of project, even something such as painting a picture or playing a round of golf, and she would always comes out on top. I don't think she ever got a pimple in her life even!" exclaimed Bess in shock.

"Did Nancy have any hardships other than the _tragic_ loss of her mother at an early age? It's not like she had to struggle for anything else, especially not money. Remember all those trips we went on with her when her father graciously paid for our airfare and hotels?" added George.

"Please don't remind me of what we'll never have again," moaned Bess. "Now that she's dead I don't feel any shame in admitting how jealous I was of Nancy. Though she never outright said it, it was always "Nancy this, Nancy that, look at how perfect and saintly I am!"

"I agree with you, there's no shame in letting all our viciousness about Nancy out. We have to do it sometime. The thought has just come to me that if Nancy were ever a character in a novel people might just dismiss her as a Mary-Sue," said George.

"A Mary-Sue?" wondered Bess.

"Yes, a Mary-Sue, a character too perfect that they don't seem real. Speaking of that, I don't know how so many people could stand to be around Nancy without slapping her and yelling, "Act real, honey!" " said George.

"That is too true," said Bess, looking at George like she was Jesus resurrected, the one that held all the truths.

"I think that in our article we should tell the public who the real Nancy Drew was," suggested George. "None of this "Nancy touched everyone she met; Nancy had a heart of gold," crap.

With a nod of agreement from Bess, the two young women began writing, finally coming up with a list of all the things Nancy Drew missed out on if life because she was too perfect. They wanted evoke pity from people that Nancy never got to do such normal things such as breaking a nail or just plain failing at something. So proud of their finished product, Bess and George sent their article off the newspaper. However, they were a bit wary of their chances of having the thing actually published.

"Are you afraid that someone is just going to interpret our list as headlines intended to discredit the honorable memory of Nancy Drew?" asked Bess.

"If someone does, it's their loss that they had such a skewed perception. I feel like we did the world good by telling the truth with the article, though it's really a list," admitted George. "Let me read what we wrote out loud again, I always get a kick out of it!"

**100 Things that Never Happened to Nancy Drew**

**Appearance**

Nancy Drew wears clothes that don't match.

Nancy Drew gets a run in her stockings.

Nancy Drew forced to wear ugly, horned-rimed glasses.

Nancy Drew gets a stain on her blouse.

Nancy Drew loses a beauty contest.

Nancy Drew's high heeled shoe breaks.

Nancy Drew gets a bad dye job.

Nancy Drew loses a contact.

Nancy Drew receives a hideous scar on her face—being the heroine isn't always harmless!

Nancy Drew gets tan lines.

Nancy Drew gets razor burn.

Nancy Drew gets her bellybutton pierced.

Nancy Drew gets calluses from doing housework for the first time.

Nancy Drew forgets to wear deodorant.

Nancy Drew forgets to use breath mints.

Nancy Drew wears a miniskirt.

Nancy Drew forgets to shave her legs.

Nancy Drew has a tooth knocked out and has a cavity on top of that.

Nate tells Nancy that he saw someone prettier than her.

Nancy Drew gets jealous that Bess (the slightly pudgy one) looks better than her in a dress.

Nancy Drew gets an ingrown toenail.

**Driving/Cars**

Nancy Drew gets a speeding ticket.

Nancy Drew gets charged with driving under the influence.

Nancy Drew creates road kill while rushing towards her hair appointment.

Nancy Drew rear-ends a police car of a policeman she is NOT friends with.

Nancy Drew cries when Daddy refuses to buy her the newest blue convertible on the market.

Nancy Drew hotwires the new blue convertible that Daddy refused to buy for her.

Nancy Drew hits an elderly pedestrian.

**Etiquette**

Nancy Drew burps in public.

Nancy Drew passes gas.

Nancy Drew lets slip a swearword: "#$! Someone important didn't recognize me!"

Nancy Drew tells someone to "go to hell."

Someone tells Nancy Drew to "go to hell."

Nancy Drew insults someone.

Nancy Drew walks out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to her shoe.

Nancy Drew does not seem like she memorized the "Young ladies book of manners."

Nancy Drew slips while walking down the red carpet after being recognized for solving her latest mystery.

Nancy Drew goes a day in her life without praise/someone fawning over her.

Nancy Drew does not smile on cue "because she's such a sweet person."

**Sports**

Nancy Drew shoots a 125 in golf.

Nancy Drew and Nate lose a tennis doubles match. Guess who takes the blame.

Nancy Drew does a belly-flop instead of a beautiful swan dive.

Bess outlasts Nancy on one of their morning exercising runs.

Nancy Drew almost drowns.

Nancy Drew gets smacked with a ball while playing basketball.

Nancy Drew turned down to be in a fitness video.

Nancy Drew is picked last in gym class.

Nancy Drew found unable to do a proper push-up.

Nancy Drew faints from exhaustion after walking a mile.

Nancy Drew falls from atop a cheerleading pyramid.

**Domestic Activities**

Nancy Drew breaks her mother's expensive Louis XIV china.

Nancy Drew burns a cake.

Nancy Drew cleans the toilet.

Nancy Drew has an accident with the plunger.

Nancy Drew does the laundry.

Nancy Drew gets puzzled at why all her whites have turned pink.

Nancy Drew hospitalized after all the dust she is supposed to be dusting gives her an allergic reaction.

Nancy Drew slips and falls down the stairs.

Nancy Drew dies of shock when Daddy says that Nancy must get a job.

Hannah leaves the Drew residence, leaving Nancy with the chores.

The Drew's dinner party gets food poisoning from Nancy's cooking.

Nancy Drew kills a potted plant.

Nancy Drew's skirt nearly becomes the vacuum cleaner's lunch.

Nancy Drew forced to sew a rip in her skirt when Daddy refuses to pay for a new one.

Nancy Drew pricks herself with a needle.

Nancy Drew forced to work for a living.

**Social/Rebel Acts**

Nate tells Nancy, "We should take a break."

Nancy Drew stays out late, partying.

Nancy Drew comes home drunk.

Nancy Drew enters a drinking contest. Of course she wins.

Nancy Drew gives in to peer pressure.

Nancy Drew caught buying illegal drugs.

Nancy Drew gets a dancing partner that steps on her feet.

Nate tells Nancy that their relationship "isn't serious."

Nancy Drew caught shoplifting at Saks Fifth Avenue.

Nate drops Nancy while attempting a complicated dance move that they always get admired for.

Nancy Drew told that she is ugly.

Nancy Drew elopes with a rap artist.

Nancy Drew diagnosed with clinical depression.

Nancy Drew gets evicted from the local country club.

Nancy Drew demoted to "coach" after all the "first class" tickets are sold out.

Nate buys Nancy the "wrong" present.

Nancy Drew gambles in Vegas.

Nancy Drew charged with illegal downloading of music.

Nate Nickerson, epitome of perfect-ness and attractiveness, cheats on Nancy!

**School**

Nancy Drew fails a class.

A teacher doesn't give Nancy the benefit of the doubt.

Nancy Drew caught plagiarizing, in league with cheating on a test.

Nancy Drew pays someone to complete her terms papers for her.

Nancy Drew does not graduate at the top of her class.

Nancy Drew forced to serve lunch detention in the cafeteria, cleaning dishes.

Nancy Drew not picked for Homecoming/Prom Queen.

Nancy Drew denied entrance at the school of her choice.

**Solving Crimes**

Nancy Drew is not the "damsel in distress".

Nancy Drew does not save the day.

Nancy Drew convicts an innocent person.

Nancy Drew keeps the stolen goods for herself.

Nancy Drew falls in love with the villain.

**Our Favorite(s):**

Nancy Drew breaks a nail! (sob)

Nancy Drew's mother comes back from the dead to berate her from becoming such a perfect snot.

Some days later, Bess and George received a letter back from the newspaper's submissions office. It read:

Dear Misses Bess and George:

Despite your close connection to the deceased Miss Nancy Drew, we are unfortunately unable to publish your submission in our upcoming memorial obituary to Miss Nancy Drew. We at the paper feel that the public needs to be comforted in this time of tragedy and reading a piece like the one you wrote would do nothing to improve their spirits or show Miss Nancy Drew off in a positive light. I, as head of submissions, thank you for submitting and hope you will do so in the future.

Sincerely,

Mary Nancy Sue

Head of Submissions

Bess and George burst out laughing when they finished reading the letter, and they could just not stop!

George finally caught her breath to say, "I guess Miss Mary Nancy Sue fought down the urge to write a letter in all caps screaming, "HOW DARE YOU TELL THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT NANCY DREW!"

The End.

Please review, constructive criticism very much appreciated!


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